The Last Few Weeks of Sadness

Mark, Nora and I made it back safely to Dallas late last Sunday night. It was a long trip, but we are so glad that we were able to stay with Mom as long as possible. It was a hard couple of weeks, but Mark and I feel like we were so blessed to have been with our family during this sad time. It's hard to explain how I still feel about Dad passing. Part of me feels like he is still just in the hospital and he'll be home soon. I know that's not true, but maybe that's my way of dealing with it all. It just really hasn't set it with me... I don't know if it has really hit any of us yet.

I know that the blessings through all of this is that Dad is in heaven, smiling down at us. I tell Nora all the time that she has a special angel looking after her. I can't wait until she gets older for me to tell her all of the great things about her grandpa and how much he loved her. Mark and I have talked a lot about how special it was that Mom and Dad were here for Nora's birth. I don't think that my dad could have been any more proud. We really think that it was mind over matter that he was even able to make the trip. We know that he already was doing so bad, but he was determined to be here. We had such a good time for the 3 weeks that my parents were here. Those are times that we will never forget. I still think about Mark sitting at the table with my parents, listening to old stories that my dad would tell and just soaking it in. I'm not sure which of them were having the most fun.

The night that Nora was born, my dad was determined to wait it out. I know that he was completely exhausted, but he stayed to meet his first granddaughter when she finally arrived! My cousin Lisa told me that she while she was sitting with my parents waiting for the big news, my daddy was telling her that this was one of the best days of his life. Whoa! Isn't unconditional love amazing?

I am so glad that Mom called us when she did and that we were able to drop everything to go to Alabama. It was a sad, hard time, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else. My dad was pretty out of it when we got there, but they were able to finally wake him up for a bit. One of the nurses then took Nora and put her right in front of him. He smiled and his eyes got so big. It was the most awake he had been in a while. He clearly wanted to take everything about Nora in with his eyes. We put her right up to his face so that he could kiss her. If that wouldn't make you cry, I'm not sure what would...

It was hard, but so good to see my dad awake. When Nora and I left in mid-July, he was still in ICU and not awake. He couldn't really talk very well with his trache, but about a week before we headed to Alabama, my mom put the cell phone up to his head and he told me that he loved me. I am so glad that is the last thing that my dad said to me. It will stay with me forever.

I could go on and on about the next few days, but I'm already crying enough, so I am not going to for now. I guess that I'll just say that I am so glad that my daddy is at peace and is resting free of pain. It is beyond hard to watch the dying process, but there are glimmers of light and God's love through it all. The chaplain at the hospital gave us a booklet about dying and it was exactly right. I am thankful that the day before he passed, my dad was more awake than he had been for months. He knew it was his time. He couldn't say it, but we had that peace about it. Mom, Jeff, Jennifer, Maxwell, Annah, Mark, Nora, Uncle David and I were all with him that Thursday night. It was the first time that he got to see that new grandbaby Annah. We were all able to love on him and tell him how much we love him. I put Nora in the crook of his arm as he laid in bed. I think that it made him happy. I would also hold her up to his face and he would kiss her over and over again. One of the last pictures that we have of my dad is with him kissing my sweet baby girl. It's going to take me a while before I can look at that picture again...

We knew that the end would come quickly and it did. Mom and I were there with Dad all day on Friday, holding his hand, telling him that we loved him and what a good man/husband/father he was, telling him that he needed to go in peace. Jeff came back to the hospital just before he passed. I know that my daddy was glad that we were all together, sharing our love for him. The tears didn't stop then and I know that they won't for a long time.